Would You Do This For Me?

I am continually mystified by the power of a song to lodge itself like a splinter in the heart.  A few chords in, and you can call up a hundred little memories of where you were when you heard it, and how you felt and who you were with and why it dropped anchor and stayed for years, decades, like the permanent houseboats in Seattle.  I have a whole interior coastline of eighties pop songs moored to my memory!

Would You Do This For Me, from Songs with Wings, seems to be one of those songs for people.  It's been some 7 years since I wrote it on the back of my grocery list during a trip to WalMart.  My soul-appointed sister, Emma, had just been diagnosed with cancer.  I wrote it for her.  She sang it many times with me at concerts.  For a long time, we thought it was her "former" song.  Then her cancer came back and she's living the reality of it again.  And her voice has been robbed by a tumor and constant illness, so she can't sing it anymore. 

But I always let her know when someone asks for it.  Like yesterday, when a lovely lady named Heather called my home asking for it so she could give it to the family of a little baby with cancer. Their 11th child. She heard me sing it at a funeral of a toddler, and the song harbored in her memory.  I told her about Emma.  She told me about her mother passing away.  My throat got tight for the weight of suffering.

We are all asked, at some point, the question of this song, asked by God Himself...

Would you do this for Me

Would you walk down this hard road

     It means laying down your dreams

And trusting in Me

Would you do this for Me

It means drinking a bitter cup

You might feel used up

When you do this for Me

Chorus:

But I promise you, you will not be alone

I’ll be carrying you as you carry this load

And I’ll draw you closer

Than you’ve ever been

And you’ll bring me glory

As you do this for Me

Would you do this for Me

It may cut like a knife

You will be tested by fire

And purified

But if you open your eyes

You’ll see the beauty

You’ll touch people’s lives

When you do this for Me

REPEAT CHORUS

Do you know what this means

It means you’re My witness

A witness to faith in the midst

Of your suffering and sacrifice

You’re giving My Word

A place to unfold

By telling the story that’s

Got to be told

Keep telling the story that’s

Got to be told

Soli deo gloria  

To God only be the glory…

                    

I will not be alone

He’ll be carrying me as I carry this load

And He’ll draw me closer

Than I’ve ever been

May I bring Him glory

As I do this for Him

May I bring Him glory

As I do this for Him

Spreading the Frosting (not a post about cake decorating)

At the intersection of homeschooling, music ministry, and family management, there are no stoplights.  It is more of a round-about, where I peel off in a different direction, depending on the day. 

Today I will sit by my daughter, reading Anatomy lessons and digging out a chicken bone to soak in vinegar.  I will check online to see how my son did on his chemistry test (God bless co-ops!)  I will rehearse the song I am singing tomorrow night at the Minnesota Teen Challenge Gala, where 150 drug offenders seeking treatment and transformation will march up on stage as I sing "Remind Me Who I Am" by Jason Gray (watch here).  I will hopefully stay on top of the laundry, since Wednesday is laundry day.  I will pray with my kids, chat with my husband, and hopefully get/give massages at the end of the day.

As my kids get older, inching toward adulthood and self-knowledge, I find myself praying more for them to find their passion and to excel for God's glory.  St. Irenaeus' quote, "The glory of God is man fully alive," is on my mind.  I keep reminding them that they can be a witness of God's love and power, no matter what they choose to do with their lives.  

I have to remind myself of that, too, when it seems like time I could be putting into music is spent in the car, taking the kids to activities.  It is not wasted time.  It is relationship time, all of us together, interacting.  It could be the seed of the next humorous song (thank you Tim Hawkins for modeling funny family songwriting regarding car farts! watch here)  But admittedly, I cringe when I realize that my music is in the lane of the round-about where the drivers are not sure what to do, so they keep circling and waiting to see the right signs.  

I thought I might have a CD close to done.  I have one song almost done.  

I thought I might have a busy concert schedule.  I have 3 gigs booked.  (Could this be because I put NO effort into promotion???)

I don't have a clear aim, but I love my life, and I don't think God is keeping tally of concerts and recordings.  I think He is pleased that I spent time this summer capturing my friend's beautiful testimony in song (listen here) as she lives with terminal cancer.  I think He is pleased when I leave the piano bench to go bump and set the volleyball with my girls.  And get them in some clean clothes.  

I try not to sow and water seeds of envy at other's musical successes and careers.  I have made my choices. I have spread the frosting out instead of globbing it in one spot.   It's enough sweetness for me.  

And the Adventure Begins!

These 30+ songs have been written on my heart for a long time, an accumulation of worship songs, tributes, love songs, and a few trademark goofy ones.  I'm slowly whittling them down to the 12 that will form the album, Deeper Wider.  I have a story to tell about the roots of love for God that have grown deeper and more solid since my last album, Herald.  The story also tells of the branches that have spread wider with love for people and issues God cares about deeply.  

My mind is alive with songs.

Finally, after engaging in a wide learning curve of new recording software, navigating computer problems, and carving out the elusive TIME that I divide like pie among many passions, particularly my children, Dave and I sat down last night and recorded the first tracks of the first song, appropriately titled, The Long and Winding Prayer.

It describes my life perfectly.

This is a long and winding prayer

That wraps around the deepest part of me

I'm gonna take a cold, hard stare

At the demons I've been wrestling

-Long and Winding Prayer, verse 1

If you've been reading my blog, Deeply Drawn, you know I've wrestled a lot since I turned 40 with various things: my purpose, my weight, parenting a teen, God.  It's the Jacob kind of wrestling, where you end up blessed with a limp called wisdom and humility, and with some real aches and pains thrown in!

What I remembered during our recording session last night was what a gem of a husband I have.  He is patient, encouraging, and quick as lightning with the software.  This is our 5th time recording together, and I think we've mastered the art of "when to stop."  Ha! Last night is was 11:00.  

I also want to thank my son, Noah, for his invaluable help.  He has spent a lot of time this summer learning the software and helping me, and I can't wait to use some of his musical skills on the album. He's trying to get me to write a hardcore song, so he can blast out on the drums and guitar!  Um, sorry, he's just going to have to channel his inner Jason Mraz coffee house vibe.

I was determined last night to lay my own guitar track, since I've been improving steadily on the instrument.  I looked at the piano longingly several times, knowing it would be so much easier (and less painful on my fingertips) to pop out a piano track.  But this process is about going deeper and wider, not simpler and safer. I'm happy with how it turned out.  I can't wait to beg the help of 3 of Noah's friends, who play upright bass, banjo, and fiddle.  They don't know it yet, but they are going to make this song SICK (teen slang for awesome!)  

I love my Guild...a gift from my dad

If you've read to the end of this post, please lift a little prayer over the process.  My heart is to use the tools God has given me to glorify him, not just musically, but in how I treat my husband in times of frustration, in how I prioritize my time, and in how I serve others when I'd rather be served so I can finish the project.  The last thing I want to be is a truth-singing hypocrite.  

By the way, my recording studio is anything but a "spacious place." The blog title refers to the state of mind found here:

Psalm 118:5

When hard pressed, I cried to the Lord; he brought me into a spacious place.

Songwriting: The Tribute

From the time I was very young, I found my most satisfying purpose for songwriting was to write a tribute. This is a little embarrassing, but I think my first official tribute song was to the graduating seniors in my high school choir.  I got up during rehearsal one day, nervous and awkward, and played and sang my little song about how awesome they were and how much we underlings would miss them when they graduate.  I wonder if I found a rhyme for graduation.  Adulation?  I'm glad I've forgotten!  If the seniors thought I was a geek, they disguised their feelings, and thanked me for my song.

Over the years, I have written poignant songs for suffering friends, good-bye songs for teachers, funny songs for showers and birthdays, romantic songs for weddings, sentimental ones for my kids.  I love the process of personalizing a lyric, especially if it is like a secret wink that no one else sees.

Over the last couple of months, I painstakingly composed a song for my niece's wedding.  I had to write it for guitar because we could not fit my keyboard into the van with all the sound equipment, unless we left the kids and grandma behind, and the lodge where she got married had no piano.  I practiced the heck out of my guitar and have the finger callouses to prove it.

I knew Jenna and Alex would not want a sappy love song like The Rose or a traditional Ave Maria-type of song.  This is the couple who sent out a "save the date" wedding video that was worthy of a Target Commercial award for cuteness and joy.  My favorite engagement photo of them was on the tandem bike that they actually ride around in their neighborhood, always garnering hoots and hollers.

So when I wrote the song, I knew it had to have a nod to the bike.  And to their playful romance.  And to their faith in Christ.  Probably the first wedding song ever about riding a bicycle, but it brought a big smile to the adorable couple, and that's what it's all about.

Chorus:

Let's go ride a bicycle together

And let's go make a lovely life forever

We'll build it on the ROCK that will not falter

I give my heart here at the altar

Now if I only had a picture to share of Dave and me dancing Gangnam-style at the reception.  

Ring Side View from a Worship Leader

A man recently blogged that the only true worship music is Gregorian chant; that all modern worship music is inadequate to magnify our great King.  I chuckle, because when Pope Gregory reformed the church music in the Middle Ages, he shook up the Roman Catholic music scene with his "modern worship."  I don't know what people sang before that, but his chant style was NEW.

Paradox:  Sing to the Lord a NEW song (Psalm 96:1.)  There is nothing NEW under the sun (Eccl. 1:9.)

Wisdom says worship is not about new or old, or about the style, or the volume, or the quality of musicianship, or the acoustics, or the instruments.  One of the first lessons I learned as a worship leader was to lay my song and style preferences down at the altar.  A song that makes me want to yawn may be the exact song that heals another's relationship with God and draws him or her into the holy of holies.

Many Sundays I stand before the people of our church and ache for those who can't seem to cross that threshold into worship.  They don't realize the veil has been torn and they can enter into the throne room.  You can see it in their glazed eyes and bored countenance.

Worship is not a complicated mystery created for musicians and mystics.  It is a command for everyone and can be improved by considering a few important things:

• Come into corporate worship with expectancy.  Read what went on in the early church in Acts.  God was ACTIVE!  People were keenly aware of his spirit moving.  I venture to guess that God has not changed.  We have.  We've taken needle and thread and stitched the veil back together because it's more comfortable.  We don't want to REALLY see his glory.  We don't want to REALLY know his calling on our lives.

• Confess your unbelief and milquetoast attitude.  Ask for a fresh encounter with God.

• Don't be so cerebral about your worship.  The Hebrew word for worship means to prostrate.  That sounds like the body should be involved.  Let's stop picking apart temperaments and personalities and instead think about what it really means to bring a sacrifice of praise.  Could part of that mean sacrificing self-consciousness?

• Worship is not an escape or an opiate that is supposed to send us into some Zen ecstasy.  It is meant to open our hearts to hear and respond to the Kol Yahweh, the voice of God.  It allows us to be receptive to the scripture and sermon to follow.  Does your pastor's sermon ever fall flat on your ears?  How was your worship that day?  

Can you tell I'm fresh off of leading worship this past Sunday and that I just read the chapter on worship in Celebration of Disciplines by Richard Foster?  Some day, I just want to know what happens when every single heart in the room is tuned to worship, when every body is engaged, and every ear is listening.  What would God do with that kind of reception?

Legacy

It's been awhile since I wrote the song Legacy.  I remember what inspired it:  two back to back reports on the morning news, which I was watching while running on the treadmill at our local gym.  I remember it clearly, because both stories made me cry, which is awkward when you're running next to strangers.

The first story was about Bernie Madoff, the ponzi scheme convict, who cheated masses of people out of millions of dollars.  His adult son cracked under pressure and killed himself.  I remember thinking...gain the world and lose your soul...and your wealth....and your family....and your dignity.  It was a story that could have come right out of the 1 or 2 Samuel or Kings or any number of books in the Old Testament.

What happens
when a father chases after
everything that doesn't matter
to gain the world and lose his soul

His son
who is desperate to know
the value of his soul
learns to put his hope in wealth

And the kingdom crashes down
And there's blood spilled on the ground
-lyrics from Legacy

The story that followed was an interview with Elizabeth Smart, ten years after she was abducted as a 14-year-old from her homeand forced to live as the slave of a creepy, crazy couple in Utah, until she was found 9 months later.  What struck me was that even though she had endured a nightmare, she was clearly loved and adored by her parents and was recovering beautiful, even talking about a growing passion to become a lawyer to help other victims of violent crimes.

What about a legacy
of faith and hope and charity
for the children looking up to me
what about a legacy

What about solid ground
what about a love profound
mercy, Jesus, work in me
to leave a legacy 
-lyrics from Legacy

All of us who have entered into the great adventure of parenting must carefully count the cost and consider the legacy our children will inherit.  We can store up treasures here on earth, convincing ourselves it is what our family needs and wants, or we can lay a foundation of faith and character that they CAN.NOT.LOSE.  We can teach them the value of their souls.  There is no greater legacy.

The Long and Winding Prayer

I love to write bright and joyful songs that celebrate God's goodness, and funny songs that make us chuckle and relate, and breezy winsome songs that you can turn on while you're cleaning the house.

But I can't neglect the lament.  The song of confession.  These songs usually come to me after dark nights of the soul, where I spend  time in the desert until God leads me back to green pastures.  These times have been regular parts of my spiritual journey, and I'm no longer afraid of them.  I look at them now from the perspective of a tree whose roots are encountering obstacles in their search for water.  In the end, the roots find water and grow deeper.

Songs like Westward Home from my Herald album, Turn My Heart from Songs with Wings, and Pilgrimage are examples of laments.  In every lament and confession is a call to hope and restoration.  Read Psalms and Lamentations for proof!

Last summer was a desert time for me.  I wound down some weird paths trying to find relief for my angst.  I read some weird books that didn't help.  I think I only wrote one song.  But in August, I wrote:

This is a long and winding prayer
That wraps around the deepest part of me
I'm gonna take a cold, hard stare
At the demons I've been wrestling.

And a lament was born.  It is a necessary song to include on Deeper Wider.  I love how Richard Foster puts it in his chapter on Confession from Celebration of Discipline:

The person who has known forgiveness and release from persistent, nagging habits of sin through confession should rejoice greatly in this evidence of God's mercy.

New Music/ New Space

I've decided to turn my musician's website into a blog.  It's free.  It's versatile.  It's not quite up and running fully, but it should be soon.  I hope you like the new look!

I plan to share the evolution of songs, the people and things that inspire me musically, and God willing, a new CD to be released in 2013.  The songs are ready to be recorded.  We just have to dive off the edge into that great abyss called "starting."

For this past year, a picture has been painted on my inner canvas that looks like the beautiful tree at the top of the page.  It's roots reach down wildly, it's branches spread widely.  Today I found the picture.  I bought the image, because it is THE artwork that expresses the songs on my next album, Deeper Wider.

I look forward to sharing the birth of this album, from conception to labor pains!  I still intend to blog about a variety of topics over at deeplydrawn.blogspot.com.  This blog is devoted to my music ministry.

More to come soon.  Thanks for stopping by.